More than two months. I remember writing my first entry on here and being so excited to finally be writing again, about stuff that fascinates me, and planning in my mind a "weekly topic" with a "question-and-answer" format. Four months and three posts later, all I have to say is dag-gummit this is hard.
But here goes my second try at starting fresh. I don't know what it is about writing about anything, something, everything, that just thrills me and gets my heart going and my mind a thinkin' up new ways to use as many apostrophes as possible'''''''.
It's not that I don't have time to write here; most nights after work when the house is quiet, I have a good couple of hours to read, watch television, sleep, or write, and I usually end up doing a mix of the first three and ignore the last one completely. That was a really long sentence to say: I have time but don't write.
But that's not the only reason. School was especially annoying this term, with some harder classes than before and some that I just didn't want to finish, but knew I needed to. My grades definitely won't reflect my best work, but they won't be anything to cry about either. Nevertheless, for about the last six months I have been struggling with school and the future and career and purpose and all the now cliche stuff that my generation frets about. Thankfully, I have been blessed by my Creator Father with a love for certain subjects (history and theology/ministry), and a love for school and learning and homework, so it's not as concerning a struggle for me as it for others. The real battle though, the part where I find myself pulling my hair, biting my nails, and pacing all around, is exactly how to put those loves to best use, in order to meet both eternal and earthly needs.
You see, it took me a long, long time and a lot of stupid decisions with a lot of pain as a result to discover a simple truth: I'm not the center of the universe. I thought I was, and I would treat others like filth even if they didn't know it because of it. I considered myself smart, talented, and all-around better, to the point that I didn't need anyone, and I made others suffer because of it. It wasn't too hard for the Father to show me how foolish and selfish I was being though; how does the old saying go, never judge someone until you've walked how far in what again? And never mind the over-used answer "...and then you're far away and can take their shoes!" Saying that just reveals how much farther you have left to walk. Slowly, and much later than I would've like, the Father was able to show me how powerful and mighty he is, especially compared to the little ol' homeschooled socially-retarded nerd that I was/am. He did this by finally opening my eyes to how my decisions and thoughts were hurting those around me.
I've never been the same since. I'll admit (and my wife will too) that I am not perfect at all, that I have a long way to go, that I can still be dumb and foolish and selfish ("Honey you're mean you never let me watch the Big Bang Theory!") But forgetting for just a moment about hilarious TV shows, it actually shows how far I've come. Years ago, I would've watched the show anyway, without asking what anyone else wanted to watch, no matter how bad their morning sickness was. I would've just turned it on, never given up the remote, and just done whatever the heck I wanted. Nothing like getting married and having kids to change your TV-watching habits. Well, that and realizing how dumb you are and how dumb you can be.
Time to start wrapping things up: I don't write enough, school was hard, I was dumb, I am a nerd for life. And here's my big point: these journeys, these bad decisions, these loves, I want to share them with others but I don't know how. That's one of the reasons I started writing here in the first place; it was a chance to talk and share and hopefully change someone's life, all while laughing and quoting Star Trek. But what's the next step, the next road, the next stretch on this particular journey? I've taken up 15 minutes of your time and dragged out for too long one too many jokes just to say this: I don't know what's next.
I do know this though: if I have learned nothing else from all my dumb homeschool days, Bible college days, young family man days, and nerdiness, it's that my Father knows what's next. The trial, the test, the battle that rages within me and all of us is deciding whether to trust Him during whatever storm is coming our way.
End Part 1
Copyright © 2008 . All Rights Reserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment