This last week or so I've found myself listening to more and more music, a lot more than I have in a long time. I think it started once the homework started piling up; I would turn on some Nickel Creek to distract me while I rushed to catch up on my China and music appreciation classes. There's something about music, some genres more than others, that calms me and allows me to focus more.
Then, once school was done for the term (finally), and I was staying up late on this blog writing about how I never write, I started visiting some old favorites. I started listening to Kutless, Third Day, David Crowder Band, and some others, all my favorites that up until a couple nights ago I hadn't listened to in a long time. After I had worn out those, I would go on Myspace Music and play some of my even older favorites, like Nickelback, Linkin' Park, and right now I have Staind playing. I don't make it a habit to listen to much secular music, but when you're young and home schooled you look for any reason to be cool.
Listening to all these songs that I hadn't listened to in years, since my early years of high school for some of them, brought back some memories. Old memories of high school life, of homework, youth ministry, all-night video games, and Mountain Dew. Oh my, how I used to do the Dew. It was the fuel that allowed all us private school nerds to survive and thrive through an entire night of destroying one another in endless Halo and WarCraft battles.
Another thing that brought up these memories was when Kasey and I were reflecting on high school again this weekend, remembering parties and homework and boyfriends (only her on that last one, just to make sure we're clear). We laughed about the times we wasted, the food we used to eat with no second thoughts, the relationships that were and now are no more, and ended the conversation with observing how much we miss those days and yet don't at the same time.
During high school, there was nothing more fun than getting together with my few friends and going on a sugar-high all night to play as long as we could before finally crashing on whatever couch or chair or floor corner was available. I enjoyed the homework more then too. Back then I wrote papers on the monarchs of Europe or a re-write of Hamlet; now I write ten different papers on China-U.S.-Taiwan relations, or read an entire textbook and then take a quiz based primarily off the chapter titles. And now the latest I can stay up is about 2 or 3 in the morning, and that's only if I am writing a blog or writing out another China paper. Oh and now Mountain Dew disgusts me. I imagine that goat pee tastes about the same.
Looking at where I am now, I can't believe that I thought that was all fun. Maybe my innocence was destroyed after Bible college, or my first full time job, or getting married and having kids; I don't know (big surprise). But I do know that reading to my son or spending time with my wife does not compare in any way to playing some dumb computer game, no matter how great the game is or how many friends you play it with.
High school was great, but I refuse to see those 3+ years as the "best," or "most fun" out of the 80+ I have total. I have a whole career to start, a Father-provided mission to fulfill, a wife to love and cherish, and at least two kids to raise up. Sure, during high school you don't have that much responsibility, your parents take care of everything for you, and you can eat and do whatever you want pretty much. But now that I've been there and done that, now that I actually have some of those responsibilities, I don't know how anyone can wish for the "carefree days" again. I don't want less to do, I want more to do. Being married and raising kids doesn't scare me one bit; being 35-40 and still playing video games does.
When you teach your son, you teach your son's son. -The Talmud
"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God." -Colossians 3:1 (ESV)
December 15, 2008
December 14, 2008
That Annoying Feeling: Cake, Boots, and Theology Part 2
I was going to wait until later to write Part #2, but it's already really late, my words are fresh in my mind, and judging from the frequency of my last posts, I wouldn't have finished Part 2 until March. So here I am, going to be writing two blogs in the same month for the first time ever!
I left off previously with the dramatic poetic finish of how I don't know what's next, but the Father does. While that is very true, I wanted to share what I think might be next, or what "next" might look like.
My greatest, strongest, attention-getting drive is to make a difference. I've never wanted to be the kind of person that works a 9-5 job for 40-plus years, sits in the same church pew for as many years, and dies with just his immediate family missing him. I've always wanted something greater, grander, more dangerous than just being a cubicle-sitter and pew-warmer.
Now, let me clear something up. Before I realized how dumb I am, I wanted to make a "difference" by being a big-time Los Angeles music producer, making a bunch of money, attending all the award shows, and having my name printed in magazines and on billboards. Remembering back on this now just makes me laugh. So, to make sure we understand one another, I don't want to be famous or infamous or popular or adored; that's dumb.
What I do want is to "go out with my boots on." This line comes from one of my favorite films, "Secondhand Lions," with Robert Duvall and Michael Caine and Haley Joe Osment. It's about this young boy who doesn't have a father and whose mother deserts him with his two "crazy" uncles. It's a story that I grew to love, as it deals with some serious issues like manhood and having that male role model to guide and help you, and has some great ol' fashioned sword fighting scenes to boot. But one of the great points of the story is the type of men that the two uncles are, men who don't shy away from danger, who make right and moral decisions, and provide that strong guidance that the wayward young man needs. In the end, they are upheld as men who "went out with their boots on," as in they didn't lounge about watching television all day, or gradually lose all sense of their individuality sitting in a cubicle their entire lives. They walked with shoulders tall, unwavering.
This movie example leads me to my next point: how hard it is to balance the demands of our "modern" world with the desire to live life wearing boots wanting to make a difference. My family has to be first and foremost, for what kind of a man would I be if I could coach a winning team, or get that great promotion, or win that Nobel Prize while my wife and kids are miserable, lonely, and into drugs or worse? I wouldn't be a real man, that's for sure. If a man can't take care of his own family, how can he expect to change the world? Men who think that they need to divorce their wife and break up their family because their ministry is more important or "holier," or who think the executive position half-way around the globe is what's best for their family, are mistaken at best, selfish and blind at worst.
Then how can I best make a difference; how can I use the loves I've been given by my Creator and keep my family first? Part of this answer falls into the "I don't know, but my Father does" category. But I know that part of the answer has to do with a funny fact about boots: did you know that they can be worn anywhere? At the mall, in a classroom, on a battlefield, in space, at a desk, or while pulling your son around in his wagon and holding your wife's hand.
The "boots" I'm talking about don't need to be worn at a certain time, on a certain day, for a certain career path. No, the boots I'm talking about can be worn by anyone, anytime, anywhere, as it's not so much a type of footwear but more like knowing that there is more to the world than the four cloud grey walls of your cubicle, more to life than this month's bills, more out there to enjoy than just a piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Knowing that there is a purpose is just as important as knowing what that purpose is.
The End... but I'm sure I'll talk about this topic more in the coming days and weeks and years. There's lots of loose ends to clear up.
I left off previously with the dramatic poetic finish of how I don't know what's next, but the Father does. While that is very true, I wanted to share what I think might be next, or what "next" might look like.
My greatest, strongest, attention-getting drive is to make a difference. I've never wanted to be the kind of person that works a 9-5 job for 40-plus years, sits in the same church pew for as many years, and dies with just his immediate family missing him. I've always wanted something greater, grander, more dangerous than just being a cubicle-sitter and pew-warmer.
Now, let me clear something up. Before I realized how dumb I am, I wanted to make a "difference" by being a big-time Los Angeles music producer, making a bunch of money, attending all the award shows, and having my name printed in magazines and on billboards. Remembering back on this now just makes me laugh. So, to make sure we understand one another, I don't want to be famous or infamous or popular or adored; that's dumb.
What I do want is to "go out with my boots on." This line comes from one of my favorite films, "Secondhand Lions," with Robert Duvall and Michael Caine and Haley Joe Osment. It's about this young boy who doesn't have a father and whose mother deserts him with his two "crazy" uncles. It's a story that I grew to love, as it deals with some serious issues like manhood and having that male role model to guide and help you, and has some great ol' fashioned sword fighting scenes to boot. But one of the great points of the story is the type of men that the two uncles are, men who don't shy away from danger, who make right and moral decisions, and provide that strong guidance that the wayward young man needs. In the end, they are upheld as men who "went out with their boots on," as in they didn't lounge about watching television all day, or gradually lose all sense of their individuality sitting in a cubicle their entire lives. They walked with shoulders tall, unwavering.
This movie example leads me to my next point: how hard it is to balance the demands of our "modern" world with the desire to live life wearing boots wanting to make a difference. My family has to be first and foremost, for what kind of a man would I be if I could coach a winning team, or get that great promotion, or win that Nobel Prize while my wife and kids are miserable, lonely, and into drugs or worse? I wouldn't be a real man, that's for sure. If a man can't take care of his own family, how can he expect to change the world? Men who think that they need to divorce their wife and break up their family because their ministry is more important or "holier," or who think the executive position half-way around the globe is what's best for their family, are mistaken at best, selfish and blind at worst.
Then how can I best make a difference; how can I use the loves I've been given by my Creator and keep my family first? Part of this answer falls into the "I don't know, but my Father does" category. But I know that part of the answer has to do with a funny fact about boots: did you know that they can be worn anywhere? At the mall, in a classroom, on a battlefield, in space, at a desk, or while pulling your son around in his wagon and holding your wife's hand.
The "boots" I'm talking about don't need to be worn at a certain time, on a certain day, for a certain career path. No, the boots I'm talking about can be worn by anyone, anytime, anywhere, as it's not so much a type of footwear but more like knowing that there is more to the world than the four cloud grey walls of your cubicle, more to life than this month's bills, more out there to enjoy than just a piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Knowing that there is a purpose is just as important as knowing what that purpose is.
The End... but I'm sure I'll talk about this topic more in the coming days and weeks and years. There's lots of loose ends to clear up.
That Annoying Feeling: Cake, Boots, and Theology Part 1
More than two months. I remember writing my first entry on here and being so excited to finally be writing again, about stuff that fascinates me, and planning in my mind a "weekly topic" with a "question-and-answer" format. Four months and three posts later, all I have to say is dag-gummit this is hard.
But here goes my second try at starting fresh. I don't know what it is about writing about anything, something, everything, that just thrills me and gets my heart going and my mind a thinkin' up new ways to use as many apostrophes as possible'''''''.
It's not that I don't have time to write here; most nights after work when the house is quiet, I have a good couple of hours to read, watch television, sleep, or write, and I usually end up doing a mix of the first three and ignore the last one completely. That was a really long sentence to say: I have time but don't write.
But that's not the only reason. School was especially annoying this term, with some harder classes than before and some that I just didn't want to finish, but knew I needed to. My grades definitely won't reflect my best work, but they won't be anything to cry about either. Nevertheless, for about the last six months I have been struggling with school and the future and career and purpose and all the now cliche stuff that my generation frets about. Thankfully, I have been blessed by my Creator Father with a love for certain subjects (history and theology/ministry), and a love for school and learning and homework, so it's not as concerning a struggle for me as it for others. The real battle though, the part where I find myself pulling my hair, biting my nails, and pacing all around, is exactly how to put those loves to best use, in order to meet both eternal and earthly needs.
You see, it took me a long, long time and a lot of stupid decisions with a lot of pain as a result to discover a simple truth: I'm not the center of the universe. I thought I was, and I would treat others like filth even if they didn't know it because of it. I considered myself smart, talented, and all-around better, to the point that I didn't need anyone, and I made others suffer because of it. It wasn't too hard for the Father to show me how foolish and selfish I was being though; how does the old saying go, never judge someone until you've walked how far in what again? And never mind the over-used answer "...and then you're far away and can take their shoes!" Saying that just reveals how much farther you have left to walk. Slowly, and much later than I would've like, the Father was able to show me how powerful and mighty he is, especially compared to the little ol' homeschooled socially-retarded nerd that I was/am. He did this by finally opening my eyes to how my decisions and thoughts were hurting those around me.
I've never been the same since. I'll admit (and my wife will too) that I am not perfect at all, that I have a long way to go, that I can still be dumb and foolish and selfish ("Honey you're mean you never let me watch the Big Bang Theory!") But forgetting for just a moment about hilarious TV shows, it actually shows how far I've come. Years ago, I would've watched the show anyway, without asking what anyone else wanted to watch, no matter how bad their morning sickness was. I would've just turned it on, never given up the remote, and just done whatever the heck I wanted. Nothing like getting married and having kids to change your TV-watching habits. Well, that and realizing how dumb you are and how dumb you can be.
Time to start wrapping things up: I don't write enough, school was hard, I was dumb, I am a nerd for life. And here's my big point: these journeys, these bad decisions, these loves, I want to share them with others but I don't know how. That's one of the reasons I started writing here in the first place; it was a chance to talk and share and hopefully change someone's life, all while laughing and quoting Star Trek. But what's the next step, the next road, the next stretch on this particular journey? I've taken up 15 minutes of your time and dragged out for too long one too many jokes just to say this: I don't know what's next.
I do know this though: if I have learned nothing else from all my dumb homeschool days, Bible college days, young family man days, and nerdiness, it's that my Father knows what's next. The trial, the test, the battle that rages within me and all of us is deciding whether to trust Him during whatever storm is coming our way.
End Part 1
Copyright © 2008 . All Rights Reserved.
But here goes my second try at starting fresh. I don't know what it is about writing about anything, something, everything, that just thrills me and gets my heart going and my mind a thinkin' up new ways to use as many apostrophes as possible'''''''.
It's not that I don't have time to write here; most nights after work when the house is quiet, I have a good couple of hours to read, watch television, sleep, or write, and I usually end up doing a mix of the first three and ignore the last one completely. That was a really long sentence to say: I have time but don't write.
But that's not the only reason. School was especially annoying this term, with some harder classes than before and some that I just didn't want to finish, but knew I needed to. My grades definitely won't reflect my best work, but they won't be anything to cry about either. Nevertheless, for about the last six months I have been struggling with school and the future and career and purpose and all the now cliche stuff that my generation frets about. Thankfully, I have been blessed by my Creator Father with a love for certain subjects (history and theology/ministry), and a love for school and learning and homework, so it's not as concerning a struggle for me as it for others. The real battle though, the part where I find myself pulling my hair, biting my nails, and pacing all around, is exactly how to put those loves to best use, in order to meet both eternal and earthly needs.
You see, it took me a long, long time and a lot of stupid decisions with a lot of pain as a result to discover a simple truth: I'm not the center of the universe. I thought I was, and I would treat others like filth even if they didn't know it because of it. I considered myself smart, talented, and all-around better, to the point that I didn't need anyone, and I made others suffer because of it. It wasn't too hard for the Father to show me how foolish and selfish I was being though; how does the old saying go, never judge someone until you've walked how far in what again? And never mind the over-used answer "...and then you're far away and can take their shoes!" Saying that just reveals how much farther you have left to walk. Slowly, and much later than I would've like, the Father was able to show me how powerful and mighty he is, especially compared to the little ol' homeschooled socially-retarded nerd that I was/am. He did this by finally opening my eyes to how my decisions and thoughts were hurting those around me.
I've never been the same since. I'll admit (and my wife will too) that I am not perfect at all, that I have a long way to go, that I can still be dumb and foolish and selfish ("Honey you're mean you never let me watch the Big Bang Theory!") But forgetting for just a moment about hilarious TV shows, it actually shows how far I've come. Years ago, I would've watched the show anyway, without asking what anyone else wanted to watch, no matter how bad their morning sickness was. I would've just turned it on, never given up the remote, and just done whatever the heck I wanted. Nothing like getting married and having kids to change your TV-watching habits. Well, that and realizing how dumb you are and how dumb you can be.
Time to start wrapping things up: I don't write enough, school was hard, I was dumb, I am a nerd for life. And here's my big point: these journeys, these bad decisions, these loves, I want to share them with others but I don't know how. That's one of the reasons I started writing here in the first place; it was a chance to talk and share and hopefully change someone's life, all while laughing and quoting Star Trek. But what's the next step, the next road, the next stretch on this particular journey? I've taken up 15 minutes of your time and dragged out for too long one too many jokes just to say this: I don't know what's next.
I do know this though: if I have learned nothing else from all my dumb homeschool days, Bible college days, young family man days, and nerdiness, it's that my Father knows what's next. The trial, the test, the battle that rages within me and all of us is deciding whether to trust Him during whatever storm is coming our way.
End Part 1
Copyright © 2008 . All Rights Reserved.
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